Thursday, February 07, 2008

Ask.com: Love and Relationships...

Look what I stumbled across...

Valentine's Day advice from the experts...Check it out here! Ask a question and get an answer! There are some pretty 'interesting' questions being asked...

Here are a few I answered:

Q: "Hubby and I are in our mid-30's. We have totally different expectations for our marriage? Can you help?"

A: Gen Xers (which is what you are if you're in your mid-thirties) grew up in a time when divorce skyrocketed. 40% of us lived part of our childhood years with a single parent. We were latchkey kids with working moms, and most of the time we connected with the TV families like the Brady Bunch and the Cosby Show, rather than our own. Unfortunately, how things worked on TV isn't always how they are in real life. We can't expect that every issue we have will be sufficiently resolved in 30 minutes!

Because of our parents' marriage struggles, Gen Xers often wait longer to get married. We want to "do things better" than our own parents, but we struggle with too busy lives.

The first thing to do is to make a list of your expectations. Then ask: 1) Why do I have this expectation, and 2) Is it realistic?

Some expectations cause us a lot of angst, but when we voice them they are completely unrealistic. (For example, when I got married I "expected" my husband to do all the housework because he always kept his apartment neat. I never voiced this, but I was highly disappointed when he didn't see things the same way!)

Next, talk to your spouse and share your expectations. Try to come up with solutions for helping the other person. Give of yourself in ways you can, and explain other areas where you're unable to fulfill your spouse's expectations. Also share your heart. Why do you feel like you do? And ask your spouse the same question.

Finally, make a list of all the expectations that have been fulfilled. So many times we focus on the hard stuff and we don't take time to celebrate the good! Read other comments here

and

Q: "What are the essential differences between how men view sex and how women view sex?"

A: I don't have the answers when it comes to casual sex, but in marriage, sex is viewed differently.

In marriage, men have sex to connect. They feel loved by their spouse through the act of sex.

Women, on the other hand, talk to connect. Then, once they feel connected, they become interested in sex.

Often, married men complain that they don't get enough sex. The answer is to connect with their wives more--seek her heart, talk with her, show your concern, help her in little ways. (Bonus points if you do it without being asked!) I guarantee that by doing these things married men will get more sex.

Married women often complain that "that's all he thinks about." That's because through sex he feels loved and connected. To deny our husbands of sex for a week is the same as him refusing to speak to us for a week!

Finally, I disagree with those that to men sex is "just an act." To some men maybe, but not all men. As someone who is 36-years-old and has been married to the same man for 18 years it is a wonderful time for us to connect and to deepen our love. It may sound like a fairy-tale, but I'm enjoying the happily-ever-after! Read other comments here

and

Q: "When in a relationship, is it ok to have close friendships with the opposite sex?"

As a married person, I strongly believe I should not have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. Likewise, my husband does not have close friendships with people of the opposite sex. We do have friends, but they are through our friendships as couples. We also have friends through work ... but we set limits and boundaries on these relationships.

Why?

Each of us has specific heart-needs. The need for commitment, intimacy, connection, sex, communication, trust, security ... to name a few. Men also have a great need for respect. Often jealous comes when your partner sees you getting YOUR needs satisfied by someone else. That other person is filling an "empty" spot they want (or should want) to fill.

And ... your partner may also get jealous when he/she sees you meeting the needs of others. They see how your "friends" benefit from the relationship and then feels robbed of that part of you.

Worse, there is always the chance that friendships can turn into "something more." In the future, if you are having problems in your relationship a close friend may see like the perfect person to turn to. Many a friend has sought support and advice and has ended up in an affair--not always a physical affair, but often an affair of the heart. I've seen this happen more often than I'd wished. I've had friends break-up or divorce and months or years later they are in a relationship with that someone who was "just a friend." Marriage counselors see it all the time.

If you want to give everything to your relationship, if you want to protect it, then setting proper boundaries is key. Read other comments here

Hey...here's an idea...ASK a question of your own and email me the link...I'll answer it and put your name into a drawing to win a copy of Generation NeXt Marriage!


Stop Lurking! Every week I will draw names for a free Tricia Goyer book from those who comment on my blogs. Winner's choice! Tell your friends.

3 Comments:

At Friday, 08 February, 2008, Blogger windycindy said...

I agree with a lot of the answers you give to the questions. The book sounds great! I plan to visit your site more often. Thanks,Cindi
jchoppes[at]hotmail[dot]com

 
At Tuesday, 12 February, 2008, Anonymous Brenda Nixon, parenting speaker said...

Provocative questions and good answers, Trish. Keep up the valuable service.

Oh, I like the line at the bottom of your page for people to stop lurking. ha ha

 
At Thursday, 14 February, 2008, Blogger Tricia Goyer said...

Thanks for un-lurking, Brenda!

You should see if they have parenting questions for you to answer. That could promote your book and help so many people!

 

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