Married with Children...Part 3
“Nothing ever lasts forever,” sang Tears for Fears (remember them?). “Everybody wants to rule the world.”
The cool thing is that as parents, you do. For a short time you and your spouse make up your child’s entire world, for better or worse.
You’ve witnessed how our generation was affected by what happened in our world as we grew up. Well, your marriage—you and your spouse working together—will have the same impact on your kids.
There is so much I could talk about when it comes to raising kids…and in fact I did, in
Generation NeXt Parenting. But overall, here is our top twelve list of the best things a married couple can do TOGETHER for their kids:
1. Spend time working out a philosophy of discipline and child training.
2. Read the Bible together…and let your kids see you do it. Read the Bible to your kids, too.
3. Study Christian parenting books.
4. Talk to people whose children you admire.
5. Have daily “couch time” where your kids see the two of you talking about your day. It will give them security to see their parents communicate. They will know all is well in their world.
6. Never disagree about discipline in front of the children. Children know how to play one parent against the other.
7. Be loyal to one another and stand by each other, even when you don’t think the other person has handled the situation correctly. It’s better to work it out afterward, in private.
8. Let loose once in a while. Life doesn’t always have to be serious.
9. Pray together as a family.
10. Love one another and show your loyalty to each other.
11. Let the kids see you handle disagreements and resolutions respectfully.
12. Trust that God chose you and your spouse specifically for this job. He placed you together in this time in history, with these kids, for a reason.
Labels: generation x, marriage, parenting, parenting advice
Married with Children...Part 2
A Plan and a Purpose
“Marriage is a purposeful relationship. All research indicates that an intimate marriage provides the safest and most productive climate for raising children,” writes Gary Chapman, author of The Four Seasons of Marriage. The more time parents spend talking about issues, taking parenting classes, and providing a united front, the more purposeful their parenting. They can come up with a plan and help each other implement it.
Husbands and wives also bring unique input and insight, depending on how they were raised and the type of resources they turn to for advice.
Parents today are becoming better educated about the needs of their children and being more intentional about their parenting. They make more sacrifices and work harder at building relationship with their kids than the parents of Xers did, resulting in closer relationship between N-Geners and their parents.
Of course, joining together as a team is sometimes easier said than done. Dr. John Roseman writes, “Today’s typical wife, as soon as she becomes a parent, begins to act as if she took a marriage vow that read, ‘I take you to be my husband, until children do us part.’”
I remember a time not too long ago when a wife who became a mother remained first and foremost a wife. Whether they had children or not, women who worked outside the home were referred to as “working wives,” and women who worked in the home were “housewives.”
But a change has occurred in the language we use to describe a woman’s employment status. Today, a woman who stays home with her children is called a “working mom” or “stay-at-home mom.” Some consider this an improvement, but I think it reflects a dangerous shift in focus from wife to mother. In other words, societal attention has moved away from the marriage and onto the children.
Roseman goes on to say: “This shift came about largely because America shifted to a self-esteem based child-rearing philosophy, and women became persuaded that the mother who paid the most attention to and did the most for her child was the best mom of them all.”
I watch this perception play out in the lives of many women I know. Gen-Xers are very focused on their children—sometimes to the point of sacrificing their marriages. And I know firsthand, because for many years I placed more emphasis on my role as mom than my role as wife. My time, energy, devotion went to the kids first, and John got the leftovers.
It wasn’t until the kids were in middle school that I realized the best thing I can do for my kids is to love their dad. Their very lives depend upon the strength of our relationship; if it crumbles, their world does too.
Additionally, the way John and I interact serves as our children’s model for marriage. In fact, the type of marriage I have with John is most likely the kind my kids will have too. That’s huge.
Labels: child rearing, generation x, generational differences, marriage, parenting
Married with Children...Part 1
Children are a welcome addition to families, but their presence unquestionably affects every aspect of married life. In our child-centered society, it is important to focus on is God and each other…even with little ones wrapped around our knees. Of course, Cory was already nine months old when John and I got married—we had a ready-made family. Having two more kids in the next three years added to the fun.
Needless to say, we all had some adjusting to do in our first years of marriage. For example, Cory liked to sleep with mom and didn’t want another guy taking his place. On the nights when he found his way into our bed, he’d turn sideways and kick John with all his might. And who said babies are innocent?
But this wasn’t even our biggest struggle. Rather, it was my belief that I knew best when it came to raising kids. After all, I was a stay-at-home mom and around the kids all day. How dare John come home from work and have different ideas about how things should run? Let’s just say it caused more than one moment of conflict.
“No matter how many children God gives you, it’s important to operate jointly in parenting,” say Dennis and Barbara Rainey, authors of Staying Close. “Again and again, I see families where the woman is expected to raise the kids. Contrary to male expectations, women are not made physically, emotionally, or spiritually to rear children by themselves.”
Over time, and after a lot of frustration, I figured out three things: 1) John sometimes knew what he was talking about, 2) I could learn from his ideas, and 3) the kids benefited from enjoying a close relationship with their dad.
John was firm but loving. And he was fun. By raising our kids together, instead of trying to balance marriage and solo parenting, my life got easier in many ways.
Hmmmm… maybe that’s why God designed children to be raised by both a mother and father?
Labels: child rearing, gender defferences, generation x, marriage
What A Wife Says
Good morning, husband.
Can you believe we’re finally married?
What would you like for dinner?
You’re the best.
Don’t worry I’ll take care of it.
Sorry . . . I forgot.
But, I’ve always done it that way.
Yes, I, uh, think it’s a great gift.
I don’t believe that’s what you told me.
Let’s just try.
Guess what? You’re going to be a daddy!
You want what name?!
That’s not funny.
Don’t touch me.
Hold me.
You did this to me!
Oh, he looks like you . . .
It’s your turn tonight.
You found a babysitter? Are you sure? Can we trust her?
Wow, you found a babysitter! You’re the best.
Yes, I still love you.
I’ll be off in a minute.
Can we call for a pizza?
I’m too tired tonight.
Oh, baby!
I was hoping for a chance to talk.
I’m sleeping on the couch.
You’re working late again?
I’m going to my mothers.
I’m sorry.
But we didn’t have money for that.
You signed him up for what?
Yes, I really needed it, even if it was on clearance.
But you promised . . .
It’s exactly what I wanted! Thanks!
I love it when you do that.
Why did you do that?
You’re so insensitive.
You’re the greatest man who ever lived.
He got that from your side of the family.
You deal with it.
I can’t believe it’s just us again.
Yes, let’s go!
I’m tired.
You make me feel so alive.
Let me rub your shoulders.
You shouldn’t have.
No, you didn’t!
You won’t believe who called today . . .
Let’s sleep in.
A dog?
A new car?
Well, you’re no spring chicken, either.
I’m too young to be a grandma.
We always go there on vacation.
Let’s try something new.
I like things the way they were.
I like things they way they are now.
Isn’t that turned up a little loud?
I love being your wife.
Remember when . . .
Maybe we should have the doctor check that out.
You always make me smile.
You know me as well as I know myself.
Thank you.
You’re so thoughtful.
How can I live without you?
Yes, I’ll be brave.
I’m going to miss you.
You were forever my true love.
Goodbye.
Labels: generation x, husbands and wives, marriage, wife
A few things to remember:
1. You matter. Being a good mom is important, especially for the impact you have on your child. You are significant, not because of what you do, but because of who you are.
2. You are wonderful. When you see yourself as God sees you, you don’t have to worry about an identity crisis. You are his child. You have amazing strengths that are unique to you.
3. You can succeed. When you take time to explore your dreams and dare to grow by trusting God to help you, you become more of the person he designed you to be. You also become a gift to those around you, including your child.
4. You are loved. Intimacy means connecting with someone who touches your heart—through communication, time spent together, and love shared. True intimacy is found when you connect with those who appreciate you for YOU.
5. You are smart. We receive instruction from school, through special training, and from life. Focus on being instructed by those who want you to succeed and are willing to help you.
6. You can’t do it alone. Every mom needs a support system--friends, parents, teachers, and mentors. Also, if we ask for his help, God never makes us struggle alone. His help may be bringing another person into our life. It may be giving us the courage to deal with our bad habits or to get out of a destructive relationship. His help may be providing the strength to go to attend school, to work, and take care of a baby. Jesus is available 24/7. Just ask.
7. You need to recharge. We can’t work 100% of the time. Everyone needs to enjoy life and rest. When God created the world, he worked for six days, then rested on the seventh. He didn’t need to take that long. He didn’t need a day off. He did it as an example for us. God created within us the need to balance our work with rest. This includes a physical breather—actually setting aside a day for recreation. We don’t need to feel guilty for the way we were made. Taking time for recreation is just as important as taking time to meet our other needs!
8. You can’t do it all. Perspective means focusing on what will last—especially our family and relationships. They are the things we will never regret giving our time, energy, and love to. Focus on those.
9. You matter. Everyone needs to feel that what they do is important. If you ever doubt if you are important ... just look into the face of your child. No one can take your place!
Labels: children, family, marriage, mothers, parenting, personal time, relationships
Guest Blogger...Gina Conroy
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Breaking Up Ain't Hard to Do
Okay, why is it that I'm not at all shocked any more when I hear of yet another well respected Godly couple calling it quits or separating?
Last time it was good friends of ours. The husband left his wife and two kids without any warning. He just didn't want to be married any more. My husband tried repeatedly to be a friend to him, but there was always an excuse why he couldn't get together for lunch.
Now it's a homeschool mom of three girls, raised in a Godly family and married to her college sweetheart who's left her family. I'm surprised, but not shocked and that's frightening.
It tells me that more and more people I know and respect are splitting up. Couples who I thought had a better/stronger marriage relationship than me and my hubby are now calling it quits. It's crazy! By all appearances I probably should have been divorced, oh fifteen years ago, but we made a commitment to each other and no matter how tough it gets, we're willing to work through it. Yes, mostly for the children's sake, but also because I believe that our union was orchestrated by God, though at times it's hard to understand what in the world God was thinking when he put us together. :)
But that's another story for another day!
Still, I know that we're together because we really need each other. Yes, I'm pretty stubborn about a lot of things and my baggage usually gets in the way of learning my lessons, but I'm not quitting. No matter how long it takes me to graduate.
I'm a product of divorce and never want my children to experience that. Even though ours is a dysfunctional family of sorts, we're still a committed family. That's why I can't understand what pushes these people to the edge. Why they leave their children and families?
Well, maybe I can understand. I've felt hopelessness and despair, but instead of withdrawing or running to someone else for comfort, I cried out to God. Instead of focusing on myself and the moment, I've tried to grasp the big picture and how my actions would affect the whole family.
Maybe it's not for me to understand. I probably never will. But one thing I can do is pray.
Will you pray also for these marriages and for the ones that are on the brink of destruction?
Gina Conroy
Portrait of a Writer...Interrupted:
http://portraitofawriter.ginaconroy.com/ Writer...Interrupted:
http://writerinterrupted.ginaconroy.comAnytime Prayers for Everyday Moms-- Available now!
Carnival of Christian Writers:
http://blogcarnival.com/bc/cprof_550.htmlLabels: breaking up, children, divorce, family, gina conroy, husbands and wives, marriage, prayer
It's My Anniversary!
I wonder how many 35-year-olds can say they've been with their spouse half their life? On April 7, I will be married 17 years. John and I started dating when I was 17. (It's not my b-day. I was actually born 7-17-1971.)
This is highly unusual (not that I'll be 35, but that I've been married for 17 years). I think there are a few factors. But before I get to that, I have to say my marriage was NOT without struggle. I was a teen mom and had a baby when I married. (I didn't marry the father of my baby.) My parents had a difficult marriage, and I had no good role model. The first years were hard.
Also, I haven't gone through my marriage without temptation. In fact, last year my first boyfriend contacted me. He found my name on Classmates.com. He told me he'd been thinking about me for 20 years. He named his daughter after me. He said he loved me. He said we were soulmates, etc. My emotions were out of control.
It was exactly what I wanted to hear (it is flattering) ... but not what I needed at all. I told my Christian friends. I told my husband. I needed accountability, and I made them keep me accountable. I broke off communication, and every day for a year I was tempted to contact him. (Was he still thinking about me?) BUT I decided to stay committed to my husband.
I longed for an undivided heart. I worked (even more) on my marriage. My husband and I started reading a chapter of a marriage book EVERY DAY. We started reading our Bible and praying together. And we opened up lines of communication. Soon my emotions for the old flame faded and my love for my husband grew and grew. Yet, I have so many friends who've gone the other way ... only to find they aren't happy with the 2nd guy, or 3rd and more than they were with the 1st.
Recently the New York Times had a report that stated that more women are single than married. Here are some reasons why I think more women are single:
1. Gen Xers grew up with divorce. We know how painful it was being shuttled from mom and dad and having to chose sides. We think that by marrying later we will marry smarter. Or if we just live with a guy and break up that it's not the same as being divorced. Because of our pain, we don't give ourselves completely to another person.
2. Also, women today think that EMOTIONS rule. We are angry, we want out. We are depressed, so we deserve better. We feel attraction and desire for someone else and think we must follow it. We have set our emotions on a throne above all else and live our lives by how we FEEL.
3. When we don't have certain needs that are met, we search for some way to fill them. Like other men. Of course, when that doesn't work, we usually find ourselves alone again.
I've spent the last few years of researching this generation and finding out what makes us tick. These are few of the things I've found. Of course, you may not agree! I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Labels: dating, faithfulness, generation x, marriage, women
1 + 1 = Happy Family
Today I'm doing something GREAT for my kids. I'm heading out of town with my husand John for the weekend.
Yes, they're going to have to cook for themselves. No, I will not be here to pick up after them either. Instead, I'm going to be relaxing at a lodge with no phone, no computer, and one sweet man.
When it comes to helping our kids, one of the best things we can do is strengthen our marriage. After all, if our marriage crumbles, our kids' whole world crashes around them.
The truth is, though, we didn't get married so we can fill up a calendar with other people and things. We got married because we loved each other and wanted to spend time together.
This weekend John and I are going to celebrate that!
Labels: family, marriage, together time for couples
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