Tis the Season: a NEED or a WANT?
Distinguish Between a Want and NeedIt’s easy to create a list of things we’d all like to have, but it’s important for kids to distinguish true needs. Start a conversation by asking, “If you were on a deserted island, what things would you need to have with you?” Kids might start their list with video games or their favorite music, but you can talk to them about food, water, shelter, family, and even God’s Word to help your kids understand the reality of what things we need and what things we can live without.
Continuing
series on Contentment this holiday season!
Labels: child rearing, Christmas, contentment, holidays, parenting
Married with Children...Part 2
A Plan and a Purpose
“Marriage is a purposeful relationship. All research indicates that an intimate marriage provides the safest and most productive climate for raising children,” writes Gary Chapman, author of The Four Seasons of Marriage. The more time parents spend talking about issues, taking parenting classes, and providing a united front, the more purposeful their parenting. They can come up with a plan and help each other implement it.
Husbands and wives also bring unique input and insight, depending on how they were raised and the type of resources they turn to for advice.
Parents today are becoming better educated about the needs of their children and being more intentional about their parenting. They make more sacrifices and work harder at building relationship with their kids than the parents of Xers did, resulting in closer relationship between N-Geners and their parents.
Of course, joining together as a team is sometimes easier said than done. Dr. John Roseman writes, “Today’s typical wife, as soon as she becomes a parent, begins to act as if she took a marriage vow that read, ‘I take you to be my husband, until children do us part.’”
I remember a time not too long ago when a wife who became a mother remained first and foremost a wife. Whether they had children or not, women who worked outside the home were referred to as “working wives,” and women who worked in the home were “housewives.”
But a change has occurred in the language we use to describe a woman’s employment status. Today, a woman who stays home with her children is called a “working mom” or “stay-at-home mom.” Some consider this an improvement, but I think it reflects a dangerous shift in focus from wife to mother. In other words, societal attention has moved away from the marriage and onto the children.
Roseman goes on to say: “This shift came about largely because America shifted to a self-esteem based child-rearing philosophy, and women became persuaded that the mother who paid the most attention to and did the most for her child was the best mom of them all.”
I watch this perception play out in the lives of many women I know. Gen-Xers are very focused on their children—sometimes to the point of sacrificing their marriages. And I know firsthand, because for many years I placed more emphasis on my role as mom than my role as wife. My time, energy, devotion went to the kids first, and John got the leftovers.
It wasn’t until the kids were in middle school that I realized the best thing I can do for my kids is to love their dad. Their very lives depend upon the strength of our relationship; if it crumbles, their world does too.
Additionally, the way John and I interact serves as our children’s model for marriage. In fact, the type of marriage I have with John is most likely the kind my kids will have too. That’s huge.
Labels: child rearing, generation x, generational differences, marriage, parenting
Married with Children...Part 1
Children are a welcome addition to families, but their presence unquestionably affects every aspect of married life. In our child-centered society, it is important to focus on is God and each other…even with little ones wrapped around our knees. Of course, Cory was already nine months old when John and I got married—we had a ready-made family. Having two more kids in the next three years added to the fun.
Needless to say, we all had some adjusting to do in our first years of marriage. For example, Cory liked to sleep with mom and didn’t want another guy taking his place. On the nights when he found his way into our bed, he’d turn sideways and kick John with all his might. And who said babies are innocent?
But this wasn’t even our biggest struggle. Rather, it was my belief that I knew best when it came to raising kids. After all, I was a stay-at-home mom and around the kids all day. How dare John come home from work and have different ideas about how things should run? Let’s just say it caused more than one moment of conflict.
“No matter how many children God gives you, it’s important to operate jointly in parenting,” say Dennis and Barbara Rainey, authors of Staying Close. “Again and again, I see families where the woman is expected to raise the kids. Contrary to male expectations, women are not made physically, emotionally, or spiritually to rear children by themselves.”
Over time, and after a lot of frustration, I figured out three things: 1) John sometimes knew what he was talking about, 2) I could learn from his ideas, and 3) the kids benefited from enjoying a close relationship with their dad.
John was firm but loving. And he was fun. By raising our kids together, instead of trying to balance marriage and solo parenting, my life got easier in many ways.
Hmmmm… maybe that’s why God designed children to be raised by both a mother and father?
Labels: child rearing, gender defferences, generation x, marriage
Mom Buzz...
"Sometimes, when I want to take on the world, I try to remember that it's just as important to sit down and ask my son how's he's feeling to talk to him about life." --Angeline Jolie, Good Housekeeping, January 2008, p. 45
Stop Lurking! Every week I will draw names for a free Tricia Goyer book from those who comment on my blogs. Winner's choice! Tell your friends.
Labels: anjelina jolie, child rearing, social activism
Do your kids have the “I wannas”?
Check out these books to teach contentment:
Me Too! and Littler Critter: Just So Thankful! by Mercer Mayer
The Berenstain Bears and the Green-Eyed Monster by Stan and Jan Berestain
Verdi by Janell Cannon
The Big Orange Splot by D. Manus Pinkwater
When Jesse Came Across the Sea by Amy Hest
A Chair for My Mother by Vera Williams
The Sneeches and Gertrude McFuzz by Dr. Suess
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viost and Ray Cruz
Labels: child rearing, children's books, contentment
For out of the overflow...
“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34)
“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart” (Matthew 15:18)
Little Jonathan likes to sing his heart out. As he sings, my husband and I often look at each other and grin. I’ll often whisper, “We must be doing something right.”
Eric nods or whispers back something like, “Or God is amazingly faithful.”
Frankly, I think it’s both.
You see, Jonathan’s mouth is overflowing with praise songs. True, it’s fun to listen to his renditions of songs like Promises. We were walking through the mall yesterday, and he’s singing at the top of his lungs, “All of Your promises won’t let go of me….oh, oh, oh, I can’t forget about it.”
Abigail is much the same. More often than not, her heart bubbles from her lips with praise song after worship song. It delights my heart to stand in church with her and hear her sing as loud as she can along with everyone else. She came back from Vacation Bible School a couple weeks ago singing all kinds of songs about the fruit of the Spirit.
And singing those principles will cement them in my children’s hearts. How many songs from your childhood can you still recite word for word? Many of the verses I have memorized started as a song I learned at church. I will never forget the words to El Shaddai, The Warrior is a Child, or even I am a Promise (a classic from the Bill Gaither Trio). And I’ve added literally thousands of songs since then.
At times those songs are literally a lifeline pulling me back to the throne room of God when emotionally I couldn’t be farther away for whatever reason.
I turn on Casting Crowns and belt out Praise You in the Storm or Lifesong. Or plug in Desperation Band and sing really anything. Anything that reminds me of the promises and character of God.
So when I see my three and six year olds choosing to turn on Point of Grace or another praise and worship album or they ask to sing Voice of Truth just one more time, I smile and thank God for His faithfulness. Because no matter what Eric and I do to train our children, only God can turn their hearts to Him.
And when they’re adults, they’ll have a wellspring well-stocked with verses to sing to Him in the good and bad times.
Cara C. Putman
Canteen Dreams -- coming October 2007 (Heartsong Presents)
Sandhill Dreams and Captive Dreams -- 2008 (Heartsong Presents)
The Law, Life & Books: http://carasmusings.blogspot.com
Original Writer for Jake Tremaine at Scenes & Beans:
http://kannerlake.blogspot.comLabels: child rearing, childhood, praise, singing, worship
Guest Blogger...Cara Putnam
We’re at one of those crossroads. Decision time.
No, we’re not considering moving. Eric’s not choosing between jobs. I’m past choosing an agent.
Nope, this involves our kids. Abigail in particular. You see, the kid likes gymnastics. She started about 10 months ago and has steadily moved up in the classes and difficulty level. But she just advanced to what’s called level 2 about 4 weeks ago. I figured we were there for a long time. Our friends kids were. And it seemed pretty standard. Nope. My girl decides to figure out the skills in the last week. She’s flipping all over the house.
And flipping into level 3.
I. Am. Not. Ready. For. This.
The mom in me has watched the level 3 girls. They’ve been there awhile. They look pretty good. They do hard skills.
Abigail’s going to be creamed.
But she’s ready. And my husband has talked me out of protecting her. Oh, I want to. One more session in Level 2 and she’d be better able to compete. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Honestly, I’m concerned that she may get discouraged. Start comparing herself to the other kids and see that she’s not there yet. And these girls are older. Not overly excited about that either. I’m also not ready to confront what comes after this level. I really can’t see us doing team gymnastics. We’re not ready as a family to make that kind of commitment, and frankly I don’t want so much of our energy going in one direction unless God clearly shows us it’s okay.
But she’s worked hard. And we’re not there yet. So I’m grateful that God has given me a husband who’s ready to let her be pushed.
And I learned today that she’s getting the teacher I want. An encourager and pusher. Great combination for Abigail.
So how do you balance decisions like this? Any wisdom to share?
Labels: child rearing, decision making, god, gymnastics, wisdom
How do You Handle This?
We’re in the middle of one of those parenting challenges. The ones where you shake your head and send up non-stop prayers. Or as my husband said, “Are you ready to move?”
Unfortunately, in today’s world, I’m not sure where we could move to protect our kids. And the reality is that today’s world is very different from the world my grandparents grew up in and even changed from the times of my childhood.
All I want to do is shelter my children from ideas and things they aren’t ready to process. I don’t want to have to explain to my daughter why someone can’t really have two mommies. Or why we don’t endorse that. Or why it’s really no different than other sins, but still grieves the heart of God.
I would love to just avoid the issue, but I can’t. The little girl next door is Abigail’s age and they enjoy each other. But someday we’ll have to decide about sleep-overs, etc. It’s just hard.
So today, I would really love to hear how you handle worldview collisions. How do you balance the truth of God’s Word with the reality of today’s world? How do you train your children to understand what you believe and why without it tripping over into teaching them to judge others? I hope you can see how deeply I am agonizing over this. Because at the end of the day I want to handle this parenting challenge in a way that honors God and protects my children.
Labels: cara putnam, child rearing, culture, god, parenting
Guest Blogger...Gina Conroy
Anger Management for Six Year Olds
I remember the first time Timmy threw his first fit.
He was two or three and we were outside jumping in the fall leaves. I don't remember what sparked it, probably that he didn't want to come inside, but my little "Angel boy" morphed into a demon.
Blazing hateful eyes, clenched fists, spitting ugly words from his mouth. I really didn't know what to do. He was my third born, but none of the others ever had a tantrum like this. Plus, he was my mild mannered, easy going kid.
We made it through the incident with tears on both our parts and managed to escape in one piece, but the first glimpse of my little Jekyl and Hyde scared me.
As he got older I began to realize what set him off. Embarrassment, when he perceived I was correcting him when he was wrong or disciplining him for something he didn't do.
Take this morning for instance. He was all excited that I asked him to butter toast. So I set him up next to the toaster and after a few minutes I checked on him. He had one glob of butter spread into a small area of each toast.
I said something like "Oh, that's not how you do it. You need to get the butter all over the bread." Then I took his hand and was guiding him. I guess I squeezed his hand too hard because Mr. Hyde came out.
His sweet smiled turned upside down and his angry eyebrows took control. I don't remember what he said, but he was in meltdown mode. Saying things like "I hate you", "I'm going to butter the toast my way," and "I wish you weren't in the family."
I wouldn't let him hold the knife when he was angry, and I could see him fighting for control.
Finally after threatening to break the toaster, he grabbed the knife to start buttering the toast. I very calmly picked him up and was surprised he didn't put up a fight. I carried him to his room and said "I love you." He, in his angered state said, "I hate you."
I managed to get him in his room with a slight struggle and waited for the sound of destruction. A couple of small bangs and that was it.
Later when he was back to the loveable Dr. Jekyll, I asked him if he hated me. He smiled, and said, “No, I love you.”
That’s what I call a happy ending!
Gina Conroy
http://portraitofawriter.ginaconroy.comhttp://writerinterrupted.ginaconroy.com/Labels: anger management, child rearing, gina conroy, love, tantrums
